Siblinghood of Recovery
Siblinghood of Recovery
Parenting Through Addiction: Understanding Your Role and Navigating the Path to Recovery
What if you discovered your role as a parent isn't as straightforward as you thought, particularly when dealing with a child's addiction? That's the tough pill we're swallowing in today's conversation. As a parent, your influence can shape your child's life in ways you may not fully comprehend. As we explore the murkier waters of parenting and addiction, we'll address the importance of examining our own upbringings, the impact of our parenting styles, and reconciling our expectations with our child's reality. Navigating through this complex landscape, we'll also delve into handling the discovery of your child's addiction, touching on the urgency of providing a safe, supportive environment and the necessity of professional intervention.
Shifting gears, we'll then journey through the recovery process - a path that's as challenging as it is transformative. As we discuss the role a parent plays in their child's addiction, we'll emphasize the necessity of fostering a safe space for recovery. Throughout our exploration of this pressing issue, remember, we are not alone on the path to recovery. Let's walk together.
Link to Krissy Pozatek's Parallel Process website
Thank you for listening and please visit www.siblinghoodofrecovery.com for free resources, links to organizations, groups and individuals who can offer help in the Journey of Recovery towards healing from substance use disorders. If you like this Podcast, please leave a rating on wherever you're listening. It will help to get the word out.
If there is one message I can leave you with, the best you can offer your loved one battling addiction is love and a healthier you.
Walk gently, my friend.
My name is Angie Reno and I'm a mom on a recovery journey from family dysfunction, addiction and perhaps all that simply comes with the human condition. I'm not a licensed therapist, although I will always encourage seeking out professional help. I know therapy has changed my life for the better. There are many of us on this path towards recovery, so let's walk gently. Welcome to Siblinghood of Recovery. Hello recovery community.
Speaker 1:Well, i am going to talk about the role parents play in the child's addiction today. Yeah, it's going to go a little bit deep, and if you're listening to this and trying to figure out if your child is in the throes of addiction, this probably isn't going to be the easiest episode to listen to, and one of the factors of that is because when you're first discovering that there is a problem, if you're ready to look at your role in that problem, you're pretty far advanced compared to most people in regards to not necessarily taking responsibility, but in regards to contributing to the challenge at hand. And if you're in the recovery journey after a couple years and you've joined some good programs and some good recovery community resources, like the 12 step program that I always encourage people to look into, you're much more likely to be able to say what am I bringing to the table in this process of my child's dysfunction? One of the first things that I can recommend is, as we figure out that our children are in active addiction, we also have to and this is hard take a step back and look at our own childhood. As we do that, we can see some opportunities to break intergenerational trauma. But I don't know if you're just at the front end of this journey, if you're ready to do that. So I'm going to start with the first part of I know my kids in active addiction. I don't know what to do about it. What do I do? Where do I go? Looking at yourself within that aspect, i would say, hey, yes, you do have a contributing factor to this Right now. It's to get your child into a safe space, a safe place, and start breaking down with a professional. What's going on? What are our options to help my child get better, to help our child get better? And as you're doing that, a lot of people will hint at and you'll see this, they'll hint at well, how's the family home life? And if they're very good and I know there's a lot of people out there who are excellent at addiction recovery. They will inquire about your own upbringing.
Speaker 1:On the intake form that I had to prepare for my child going into a treatment facility, i had to answer a full page of my own upbringing. And it was funny because I thought, okay, here we go. We will have to not only dig into what's going on inside my child's head, we're going to have to dig into what I brought to the table. Now. I knew that because I have a master's degree in organizational behavior. I did have an undergrad in psychology. I didn't want to be a therapist, i don't know. I think individuals who are therapists have such a capacity for holding space. I don't know if I have that And I do know I am interested in the dynamics in the work world, 100%. I like to watch the room, read the room, i like to see how leadership styles affect organizational success.
Speaker 1:But to bring somebody into the darkest depths of what might have hurt them when they were growing up and what hurts them today, that does take a special individual. And it takes a special individual to push the person who thinks that they are healthy into seeing maybe patterns of a survival style or a coping mechanism that is used. And this is where your good treatment centers will be able to pull out from the parent what's going on at home. So, within that pulling out, within that intake form questionnaire, if you're in a good facility or you're working with a good therapist, there will be opportunity for you to reflect on your own upbringing And there will also be opportunity for you to see, from that upbringing, what you brought to your child's upbringing. What did you bring down, what was passed down to you as far as coping mechanisms, as far as parenting styles And, as you do that, what's really hard and what's very challenging what you'll see.
Speaker 1:Every parenting style can impact individual children differently. How many times have you heard we grew up in the same household but we're completely different? when siblings have maybe told a story together, sat around the Thanksgiving table, right, And that's good. I mean, we are all different people. So within that, there is a lot of hard work to understand what you're bringing to your child's world. Today I am consistently challenged with one of my sons working as a dishwasher for extra money during the summer and leaving dishes in the sink, right Cause I remember growing up, man, i always did the dishes, i always put it away in the dishwasher and I made sure I did a good job. How much of that past upbringing do I have to bring to my current environment and make a big deal about it? Is that the hill I wanna die on? No, do I wanna clean kitchen? Yes, is there a way to meet in the middle? I think there is, but that's a tiny example of how I know. When I'm looking at that sink, the funny thing is is I'm remembering all the times that I was told nope, you gotta clean it.
Speaker 1:Understand, or at least start to be aware of what you're bringing to the room and to your child in regards to an emotional experience. When you approach your child, when you engage with your child, are you stressed? Has the day been just absolutely challenging? and you're not looking in your kid's eyes. Instead you're thinking about man, that was just a crappy meeting today. So that energy that you bring in front of your child, their feeling, or they may be seeing that you don't wanna deal with anything, that you're stressed. And so many times children take that on. It's been documented. There's been study after study after study.
Speaker 1:When the parents are stressed out, the kids think they are contributing to the stress, and they probably are, but unfortunately their concept is I'm doing this to my parent. They're not experienced with the world. They don't understand the nuances of multi-stressers, of multiple aspects of a day at work that involve many different individuals and many different expectations. So when you come home and you're stressed out and you're approaching your kid to be cognizant of what you're bringing in, that moment it takes hard work to know the energy that you're putting out and what you are contributing to that child's experience at that moment. Is it enough so that the child is seeking self-medication?
Speaker 1:So self-medication often occurs when there is disruption at home. There are challenges at home. So if you're in a very toxic relationship with the parent figures, if the parent figures are in a toxic relationship, this is a stressor in the home. The ACEs there's a great episode in season one to review the ACEs. If you have even two ACEs at home, that home is gonna be challenged at times with a lot of stress. The stress that's brought to the children. It's not intended most of the time. I am talking about the typical parent who wants the best for their kid, who believes honestly that they're doing the absolute best that they can to create a functional home, and that stress may appear to other households as, yeah, this is stuff we can handle. And here's the important part Not all children are wired the same way, so what is stressful to one family, the kids may be able to cope with it, and the same stress in another family, the kids are gonna go out and seek self-medication. How do you understand what you're doing as far as impacting the family dynamics? The best thing I can tell you is to start reading about what causes stress. There's a lot of material out there. I'll put a couple links to the show notes from psychology today articles, or to talk to your EAP hopefully have one at work, an employee assistant program and start talking about stress.
Speaker 1:If you think your child is challenged with a substance use disorder, now is the time for you to start seeking help for yourself. Start talking to somebody about it who is neutral. I hate to say don't talk to your relatives about it, but a neutral party, a therapist. They will have a different perspective, especially if they are well versed in addiction. Understanding what the home dynamics are is gonna be critical to your health And thus so it's gonna be incredibly critical to your child and getting better throughout their recovery, the more coping skills that you give yourself as you go through this process with your child, cause it's not gonna be over in a day, it's not gonna be over in a week, it's not gonna be over in a month, it may not be over in a year if your child is addicted to substances. As you go through this process, you also have the ability to get stronger as an individual, which will provide your child a better chance of dealing with their own problems, the more you let go of your expectation of where your child should or shouldn't be right And the more you start to work on yourself. That pressure that the child has in thinking that their addiction is causing you stress which it is right But that pressure becomes less and less on the child. Here's the funny part The better you become, the more the child has to focus on themselves. That's good and bad, right.
Speaker 1:So there's a lot more to talk about in this where the blame game comes in. You made me an addicted child, the previous role that you may have played in family dysfunction. It goes away And there are gonna be a lot of people who used to depend on your role that you played, your dysfunction that you added. They depended on it If you were the person that said, okay, and now, if I'm gonna handle this, i'm gonna take care of this situation. You were what they call the caretaker. If you were the person that says, you know what, i don't want to deal with this, it's okay, just I don't want to deal with this, you were the person that avoided the conflict and, in essence, very much contributed to it and very much let it play on because you didn't do anything about it. So there's two parts to this. One is understand what you're bringing to the table, and the second one is, with whatever you are bringing to the table, the energy that you bring in, start to understand your role, just a few roles that you might talk about with your therapist. As you go through, telling your therapist that, hey, this is the situation that we have at home, you not only have the enabler, but you have the scapegoat of the family. This is the person who always takes the blame for anything that goes wrong in the family. The hero this is the person that can do no wrong, the mascot of the family often this person uses humor to resolve tension and the lost child of the family. This one, to me, breaks my heart. This is the person who's not as involved in family relationships and just kind of goes to the side. So, as you go through this understanding of what you bring to the table, work with a professional, start reaching out, getting resources where you can understand hey, these are the family dynamics and where am I contributing? So I'm gonna leave you with this.
Speaker 1:One of the best books out there in my opinion, especially if you're just starting this journey, is The Parallel Process by Chrissy Positec. Chrissy also has an Instagram. I'll put a link in the show notes. Even if you never ever listen to my podcast again and you start following Chrissy, i would feel so blessed, so grateful that I gave you that referral. She's amazing and I will tell you that this is a very long journey. It's a long process and, i've said it before, i wish that they would hand out a pamphlet to all parents who are holding their newborns. Go ahead and start reading books like the parallel process. Get the, get that knowledge under your wing And get ready, because the teen years and adolescent years They are so incredibly challenging because you are having to give up a lot of expectation, a lot of what you think is the right way to parent, and you do have to give up a lot of that vision of what you deem to be the way a good household is, you know, represented in this lifetime.
Speaker 1:I think, instead, what we have to do is really bring to the table a better us, a better ourself, right, right. And it's amazing Every time I work hard, i do see my boys getting further away from me and getting stronger and becoming themselves. And I've done so much work that now I look at that and I'm just amazed at the beauty of it. It really is, i don't know. It comes down to that old Southern saying roots and wings. That's the best I can give you with all the love that I have. Well, with that, i will bid you adieu And if you're here listening to this podcast, you're doing the work.
Speaker 1:Keep it up, keep it going And remember, be good to yourself. To connect with me, visit Sibling Hood of Recovery on Instagram or visit my website, wwwsiblinghoodovercoverycom. Although I'm not overly active on social media, i'll get back with you as soon as I can. On my site, i'm committed to providing free resources. You'll find links to information that point towards 12-stop meetings, craft-based therapy programs and much more. But please, most of all, know you're not walking this journey alone, simply from being human. We're a community that is growing each and every day. Be well, and I'll talk to you soon.
